


Reminiscences.

by waterdancerr



Series: Thinking of you. [1]
Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Ballet Dancer Park Jimin, Depressed Min Yoongi | Suga, Depressed Park Jimin, Depression, Drugs, Friendship, Guilt, Implied Sexual Content, Love, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Other, Producer Min Yoongi | Suga, Sad, Therapy, Unhealthy Relationships, past sope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-20 23:44:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11931822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterdancerr/pseuds/waterdancerr
Summary: Park Jimin had a crush on Min Yoongi since he was a kid. He watched him from afar, watched him loose everything. When he find him years later he'll try to fix him until himself end up being completely broken.Min Yoongi don't care about anything or anyone, he can't afford to anymore. But one day he met this sweet and hot dancer that slowly makes himself a recurrent element of his meaningless life. So he let him do, it's just sex and some midnight whispers. It doesn't hurt anyone, right?





	Reminiscences.

**Author's Note:**

> I repost this story as a serie cause i think it's look better since each part can be read by itself kinda.

I was 13 when i first met him. He was 16, and he always looked way older than I was anyway.  
  
He was playing basket ball with a couple of friends, i had seen them before. They were part of the cool kids in our school. Everyone in my grades respected and even looked up at them, i didn't pay much attention to them before though. Actually it's Jungkook who made me take interest in them that day.  
Jungkook is one of my best friend, we spend most of our time together along with Taehyung my other best friend. This day was like any school day, boring as fuck until it end and we're able to go hangout outside before going home. We don't usual go to the basket ball field as none of us ever played, but this one time we did because Jungkook has to meet his math tutor. Not that he ever needed help with math or any class really. Jungkook is a natural at anything he do -it's annoying to be his friend for that- but his parents are always expecting him to be the very best, so they paid for a tutor.  
  
The guy we met then was Kim Namjoon, he was tall and known for being the smartest guy of his grade, he got the best results that anyone in our school had ever had for years. That's maybe why he's allowed to keep his funky hair cut which it's definitely not permitted in our school.  
Jungkook was almost obsess with him, always talking about how great he was at any kind of things and Namjoon actually seemed to care about him. I use to find it funny how Jungkook would look at him with sparkle in his eyes, and we would make fun of him all the time with Tae. But after that day I totally stopped it because I had find an obsession of my own.  
  
His name was Min Yoongi. I still can't explain what drown me toward him so much. It was definitely not his pretentious attitude and the mean way he use to look at anyone who wasn't part of his group of friends. He wasn't the kind type, at least that what everyone who didn't really know him would have thought and so did I.  
Maybe it was the way he looked when he was playing, sweaty, focus, laughing out loud when he won. Or the way he would lazily sit down between classes or go smoke somewhere quiet and hide from the crowd, or the thing he would do with his tongue when his deep in thought...  
There's so many thing that I liked and hated about him, though I always was looking at him from afar and must have missed a lot of things.  
  
That day we “met”, is more the day I start falling for him.  
We didn't actually met since we didn't exchange our names and he didn't even spare a word at me, he just glance at both Jungkook and me. Then said something to Namjoon that made them both laugh and that was it.  
I wanted to know all about this arrogant bastard.  
First I faint hater toward him with my friends, saying this guy seemed to be a jerk but it was a way to make them talk about him. I knew Jungkook would know something thanks to his relationship with Namjoon and Taehyung always knows things he shouldn't for some reason.  
It worked, I learn his name, his age, the names of his best friends and also that his a music genius.  
  
After that, I saw him everywhere. Without even trying he was always in my sight, I wonder how I didn't notice him before as we shared the same places everyday. Certainly because he did his best to not be noticed and it's not so hard as his got very loud best friends. His always having lunch with Kim Seokjin an older student who had the loudest laugh ever, Namjoon, though he was always the most quiet, he was hard to miss, he talked a lot and have the type of charisma that makes everybody shut up. Then there's Jung Hoseok, always smiling and talking super loudly.  
I always wondered why someone like Yoongi, so quiet and generally looking so annoyed with everything, would be friend with that guy. They were always really close, Hoseok was being touchy with him most of the time, and Yoongi would never shove him away.  
I did find out why later.  
Turns out they both shared a secret, nobody knew about it, not even their friends at first.  
I find it out a couple month after I start getting involve in my Min Yoongi 'information hunt'. I was looking for him in the back of the school gym where he usually have his smoke break. I never actually approach him at that time but I use to look at him from the high of the stadium stairs.  
As everyday at that time he was there smocking his after lunch cig. Though this time he wasn't alone, Hoseok was with him. I watched them interact, they looked in a serious talk, I actually never saw Hoseok being serious, obviously I couldn't hear them but what was going on was pretty clear. Especially when Yoongi grabbed his friend by the neck and joined they're mouth in a hitted kiss.  
I didn't stay to look at them. It's not that I was jealous, well I was always kind of feeling jealous of the people interacting with Yoongi, but there I wasn't. Maybe I was even relief, because I was beginning to think that Yoongi was totally heartless and didn't care about anyone that much. Thanks to that hidden kiss I realized how much he cared about Hoseok. I understood that he had a way of showing it a bit unconventional but none the less sincere. Yoongi just cared about his cold appearance, I still don't get it but I really think it's some kind of shield against others, a quiet efficient one as nobody ever mess with him. That's why I thought they weren't going to keep their relationship hidden, but they did for the whole year it last.  
As far as I know, I was the only one who known about it for the first few month and I guess they told their two best friends at some point.  
  
You could think that Yoongi didn't want other to know because he didn't want the spotlight on himself as being an openly gay couple would never gone unnoticed in our little school. But Yoongi never gave any shit about anything people could think about that, it was Hoseok who didn't want people to find out because he didn't want his parents to know by extent.  
I knew his parents as most focks in our town, they were good people owners of a well known restaurant; turns out they also were very old fashion and homophobic.  
When they find out about their son and his best friend being together this way they send Hoseok away. And I watched Yoongi slowly destroying himself in desperation.  
  
I witness almost every step of their relationship, from the hidden kisses in their secret spot -not so secret to me- to the big fights that almost ended it all. I know that sound creepy, but to be fair I was only aware of what happened inside the school walls and a few other public places that I hang out at because I knew I could see Yoongi over there. Like his favorite music store or the cinemas.  
Jungkook and Taehyung where always with me in those places, I didn't told them at first, why I always wanted to go to that specific store but Tae found out at some point that there must have someone I wanted to see there.  
“Oh my god. Jimin got a crush on Min Yoongi!” I really still don't know how, but Tae knows everything.  
“What? Is it true Hyung?” Would have shout Jungkook in surprise.  
“No- Shut up you two!” I had answer trying to wack them on the head while they were laughing.  
I had to make them swear to never talk about it, obviously they would never stopped mocking me for that but I was grateful to them for always supporting me in my crazy Yoongi obsession. As soon as they find out they helped me learn things about him, that's how I discover he was playing the piano and was learning producing along with Namjoon. Jungkook even got me a copy of a song they made.  
  
I didn't told him I was listening to it every night when I was imagining Yoongi declaring he was super duper in love with me since our eyes cross.  
  
  
During that time I became a super spy, gathering info on my target, learning everything I could about his life, his hobbies, his habits, his future plans... I was really good at it.  
Maybe I should have use my abilities for a good cause instead of that desperate quest. I guess I was in deep.  
I remember the feelings in my belly every time our eyes cross for a second by mistake, I often wonder if it was because he could sense me staring.  
I liked to day dream about what I would do if I finally talked to him, what we could do together, what we could be.  
  
All kind of scenarios in my young mind full of imagination, way more beautiful than any reality.  
  
Having Yoongi in my head was enough for me, I was to afraid to ever go near him anyway, I was just a kid to him and I would have make a fool of myself for sure.  
Until it wasn't.  
It became an urge to be in his life for real a while after Hoseok left, I could see how Yoongi didn't take it well.  
At first all three of them were acting different. They weren't loud at the cafeteria anymore, having lost the loudest one of their group, there was lots of rumors but nobody had the real story and I was glad for that as I didn't want Yoongi to have to talk about it. I didn't even tell the whole story to my friends, they knew some of it though and it was enough for them.  
Then time passed by and they made new friends, well they weren't new but they started hanging with other people more often. They all got better but not Yoongi, never entirely.  
He always was a loner, even at school, the only one who use to break his walls was Hoseok and now that he was gone Yoongi start to get away from everyone even Namjoon and Seokjin.  
He started to go to there secret spot behind the gym more often, smoked a whole lot of weed and missed a lot of classes. At some point he even got in a fight with his best friends and was actually alone most of the time.  
He wouldn't show up at the cafeteria, I was only seeing him at the music store and his hiding spot. It wasn't much but I could see how tired he looked and how he was high most of the time.  
  
One day I went to the back of the gym to see if he was there as I would do once a day. I knew he couldn't see me, but I felt like he wasn't so lonely if I was around and even if he didn't knew it, I was looking after him. This day for the first time ever, I found him crying.  
He was crying in silent, his head in his arm, sitting on the floor.  
  
It broke my heart to saw him like that and I wanted nothing more than getting down from my hidden spot and hold him, offer him the comfort he needed. But I couldn't, he would have hate that anyone saw him like that and I was still a kid and a stranger to him.  
So I stayed at my place, and cried with him, feeling totally hopeless.  
  
That's when I decide to change things. I wanted to help Yoongi, I was 15 at that point and he was going to turn 18 and graduate that year, I knew he would have no interest in me but I had to try.  
I started going to the music store more often hoping to see him there. When he eventually did show up, I asked him about something stupid, tottaly petrify. He answered barely looking at me.  
I did it again a couple times and at some point he sighed saying “You know I'm not working here right?” He sounded so annoyed it would probably had made me laugh now, but back then I was too scared to even breath in front of him.  
“Yes. But you're always here so I figure you must know a lot about stuff” I mumbled, my cheeks probably really red.  
“Go ask the shop keeper, they're actually pay for that. Maybe I should be too since I'm here so much.”  
I gave up on the shop after that. And went straight for his secret spot.  
It was pretty bolt, honestly I wanted him to get better so much that I didn't cared about doing embarrassing thing anymore.  
One day I waited for him to come have a smoke and just went for it. I walked pass him and stopped to ask him for a cigarette. He looked at me frowning. “Aren't you to young for that?”  
“Aren't _you_?”  
He sigh, sounding as annoyed as ever. “I'm not providing you that kid, find an other asshole.”  
“Hyung, you're the only one who dare to smoke in school.”  
“See, that's not a reason for you to do it. What do you want to prove? That you can die before you hit puberty?”  
I shrugged, “What do you care?”  
“You right I don't.” and he gave me the cigarette he half smoked. I would latter think about it as our first undirect kiss and keep this thought for myself only.

I obviously never smoked before and made a fool of myself as expected. Yoongi laughed at me and smacked me behind the head. “You're not the smartest are you?” I was so glad to hear him actually laugh that I didn't care about being a silly kid or being insulted like that by him.  
I came back a few time after that, he didn't ask me to leave him alone so I figure it was ok. He would smoke and I would pretend to like it as well, he'll mostly make fun of me about anything I did or said and I'll also was making him talked to me about his music. He always looked happy with that subject.  
  
It wasn't much but at least he wasn't alone.  
  
After a couple month though he started dishing school so much I barely saw him anymore.  
So I stopped going to our spot and made a plan with Jungkook to tell Namjoon that he needed  to talk to Yoongi again.  
It work for a while and Yoongi was back at school with his two best friends.  
  
I find out latter that it didn't last.  
Yoongi pretended to be fine all the way til the end of high school and then he took off. To Seoul, probably to try a music school according to Namjoon. Jungkook told me they weren't in touch so much and with time they just lost track of whatever Yoongi was doing with is life.  
And so did I.

 

 

  
  
I did find him years later.  
  
After high school I moved to Seoul as well, not for Yoongi though. I got accepted in an good dance school. At the time I almost forgot about him, well I just started being obsess about other things since he wasn't around anymore.  
My main thing was and still is dancing.  
Maybe Yoongi departs wasn't such a bad thing for my sanitizes, even if I did missed him as he was a big part of my life. It gave me some time to think about myself and what I wanted to do.  
  
So I moved to Seoul with Jungkook and Tae. We had all been accepted in our dreamed schools. I was entering the young ballet of Seoul, Jungkook was going to study photography and movie making and Taehyung was accepted in a visual art school.  
It wasn't possible for us to afford a flat for three so we all lived in our schools dorms.  
   
  
I met Yoongi again two weeks in of my first year. He was playing the piano for one of my main class. Perhaps I was so nervous by starting in a new school I didn't notice he was there all along.  
Anyway, when my eyes layed on him for the first time in three years my belly did a funny twist. I missed almost everything in my class that day because I couldn't keep myself from looking his way.  
_What the hell is he doing here? Since when does he play piano for a living? Does he remembers me?_  
I had so many question. Which remain in my head.  
  
When I got out of school that day, no matter how exhausted I was, I summoned an urgent meeting with Tae and Kookie to tell them about it.  
I think they knew I never got over my big crush for him. Nobody ever cached my interest as he did. There was this girl, Liza, from my dance group in senior year but it didn't last for long.  
As I expected they both freak out with me and we got drunk that night mostly because we were all stressed about our new life and also because remembering Yoongi wasn't the best for my sake and we tried to forgot about all of that together.  
  
  
I didn't dare talk to Yoongi for weeks, I would always glance at him, telling myself today will be the day. But I just made myself excuses not to. Eventually I just got use to him being in the same room as me and just fallow the class.  
  
Until one day _he_ talked to me.  
  
“Hey” He said and I turned my head harboring a blank face in shock at hearing his voice. “Are you ok?”  
I just stared at him not understanding what he was asking me that for. Then I saw him looking at my legs which were all bloody. I swore and looked for something to wipe it as my right knee was bleeding hard. It's the kind of thing that happened after my modern dance class, where we throw ourself on the floor most of the time.  
Yoongi held me a towel and I thanked him. I was annoyed by my minor injury and nervous by his presence but I could swear he was staring at me for a few second longer than would have anyone else in that situation. I probably would have collapse if he didn't have left the room.  
  
After that interaction I caught him glanced at me a few time, our eyes even met when I was looking at him myself.  
It was awkward at first as we seem to have engage in a flirting dance. I wouldn't have made the first move as I still felt like that kid who was watching him from afar. Against all adds he did.  
“Nice thigh.” He said as I was stretching at the end of the class. I narrowed my eyes, and look up at him. He was just smirking, taking a good look at me.  
“Yeah. I'm a dancer if you haven't noticed.” I tried to act with him as I would with anybody else, by being a bit sassy. I was internally freaking out.  
“Oh I noticed just right. You're good.”  
“Thanks. You're a good pianist I guess.”  
“I know.” He said, still as arrogant as I remembered him. “Do you drink?”  
“What?” I think I almost shocked on my breath when he asked me out.  
“Do you go out and drink, or is it against your dancer life style?”  
“It is against it, but I do go out with friends sometimes.”  
“Oh you're a little rebel aren't you. Where could I find you then?”  
The panic was rushing in my stomach mixing with excitement, I had to make myself stay still and focus on my words. I told him the name of the two only pub I knew at the time.  
“And would I see you there anytime soon?”  
“Are you- damn it. Yeah I don't know, probably on Friday night.”  
“Ok. I wonder if i'll recognize you without your stockings on.”  
I blinked at him and didn't have time to answer anything because he just left me there.

  
  
I did met him at the pub the next Friday, it was very late and I had so many drinks with my friends before he came to me that I must had look really stupid. He didn't say anything about that, he looked amused by my behavior.  
He made a few remarks about my look, making me blush more than once.  
And that was the first night I end up in his bed.  
  
We fucked. Nothing less, nothing more.  
I reckon it wasn't amazing, I felt so weird. Honestly I was pretty drunk.  
I imagine having sex with Yoongi at least a thousand time in high school, it involve a lot more of cuddling.  
At least we did it in his bed not in the pub bathroom as we almost went for at some point.  
The fact that I wasn't sober and also an ex-addicted to Min Yoongi did made me very docile, as I would have let him do anything to me and anywhere, really.  
I will always remember the morning after.  
Waking up in a stranger bed wasn't something I was use to, so I freaked out when I realize I wasn't in my bunk bed back at my dorm room. And as I took a look at the room I saw him. Min Yoongi was peacefully sleeping in the bed next to me, naked as I was.  
At that moment I thought my heart would explode as it was racing a hundred by second. I watched him sleep, it actually wasn't the first time I saw him asleep since he had a tendency to fall asleep in between classes at school.  
Like that he seemed to not have change a tiny bit, and I almost felt happy. Then I remember that I had sex with him drunk, as a total stranger. I was naively hopping he would remember me, which is really unlikely since he didn't knew me like I knew him at the time.  
  
I couldn't stay. I hurried up out of his flat as soon as I got dressed and when I got back to my dorm I just lay on my bed and cried for hours.  
  
I thought that was it. That my crush, my obsession for him would be over now that I had a taste of it. A terrible one, but still.  It wasn't.  
Next time I saw him in class I felt my guts twisting even more intensely than usual because of what happen. And he smirked at me as to say 'you can't escape it, I did saw you naked.' and my heart skip too much beats.  
  
He didn't stop the flirting. Although I knew he obviously only wanted sex, I played along.  
He kissed me in the bathroom when our path cross in it, an hungry and really clear kiss. Later that day I end up in his bed again, this time I was only drunk with his smell and his voice calling my name. It was better but the next morning wasn't less painful. I never understood what the 'walk of shame' thing was about, now I knew. It's not that I was ashamed of having casual sex, I just felt bad about what we were doing and I couldn't get if it was because of all the thing I wanted with him or because he wasn't the same. I was lost but I knew I couldn't stop answering his call. As I was addicted to Min Yoongi.  
And that's started our non-relationship. We would hook up on a regular bases.  
I would be drown in his arm, forgot everything as he kissed my skin, felt more alive than ever when he would come whispering my name.  
Maybe it didn't matter anymore that our cross path before, maybe it didn't matter that I wasn't just a kid but a hot body for him. Maybe he didn't matter that I let him use me to numb his own pain.

  
I fell for him again as expected.  
  
  
We did talk along the nights we spend together, often after the sex before we both fell asleep on our side of his bed. I asked little things that I knew he would answer, things I didn't know and I needed to, to made up the time I lost track of him. I never talked about our town, never asked about his family either.  
I knew his parents, I saw them a few time after he left and heard that he wasn't visiting them anymore.  
  
“What do you do when your not trying to fuck some dancer?” I asked jokingly one night, he smirked at me -he did that a lot. “I pick up teachers too.”  
“Fuck off.” I said hitting his shoulder lightly.  
“Your my first actually. Usually I don't bother, ballet dancer are too pretentious.”  
“Oh, says the most smart ass jerk ever.”  
He laughed, I was living for that sound. “I make music, beats, mix tape and try to sell them. Not working so much so I play the piano too. And take advantage of the newby who don't know they shouldn't have sex inside the school if they don't want to be kicked out of it.”  
“If we get found out i'll blame everything on you. Who would they believe between the old perverted piano guy and the cute, good looking and nice, barely legal dancer?”  
He gave me a wild look, I knew that look by now it meant I made him want me again. He moved on top of me smirking “You do look innocent most of the time, but you are perverted too aren't you.”  
I lazily tried to shove him away from me and pretend to be shock. But he tickled me. It was the first time he touched me for a non sexual reason.  
“And i'm not that old Jiminie i'm like 2 years older than you.”  
“3 years.” I said between giggled.  
He didn't ask me how could I know that for sure as he never said his age. Maybe he should have but fucking me was more interesting than talking about what I knew of him.  
  
In those moment where I felt like he cared about me as much as I did, I learned a lot about his current life and what I missed.  
He tried a music school, way to expensive and gave up during the first year. He almost lived in the street before he find a place to stay with some people he met at a gig, then after working as a barista for month and selling a few beats he find this flat. Now he's trying to get somewhere with his music and said he was lucky to have find the piano job at my school.  
I couldn't say how glad I was that he did. But I was, it felt like destiny was making us find each other for the better or worst. In my case it was the second.  
  
I started to focus on everything that didn't made me feel like crap in my relationship with Yoongi and everything I couldn't stop missing when we were apart.  
For example; I liked the way he would glance at me when I was dancing, because it felt like he was interested in more than my ass -but maybe he was just checking it. Sometimes he would say I was good in class and that would made me smile for the whole day anyway. I loved the way he would look at me when I enter his bedroom, as if he was already fucking me with his eyes. All the moment after the sex when we would lazily talk about anything for a few minutes. Sometimes he would fall asleep directly after and be just next to me so I would curled myself into him and sleep with a big smile on my face. I liked the sex too, we were good at it together and I liked him touching me in anyway possible so that was always good. I guess he enjoyed it himself or else he would have put an end to it. That was probably my worst fear after failing one of my classes.  
  
There was other people at first. It would drive me insane but I couldn't say anything, I wasn't allowed to be jealous.  
So when I would sent some girl parfum in his sheets I would fuck him all night to make him forget about anyone else.  
I guess it worked after a while, he stopped seeing anyone but me. It wasn't such a good thing though, it meant he didn't bother to go out anymore and would spend days close up in his small flat without interacting with anybody.  
That was driving me insane too.  
  
I tried to make him go out, it didn't work every time. I couldn't exactly ask him out for dinner or something so I would ask him to meet me for drinks. But making us both alcoholic wasn't such a good plan either.

  
There wasn't anything I could do right.

  
So I was being the best sex call possible, available most of the time not being too needy even if I was dying for his affection...  
It was the worst and the best times of my life. It could have last longer if I didn't lost my mind along the way.  
  
  
For some reason we were starting to become something more than sex body, i'll say we were actually friend at least, as I was the only person that was likely to be a friend for him.  
We would eat meals together, talk more about our favorites things and our dreams, he even made me listen to some of his song sometimes. He was comfortable around me, so at ease that he sometimes forget about his walls. But it was still here more solid than ever, the shield he build to keep himself from getting hurt by other people.  
It was thick, so much that I would for sure be the only one getting heart broken in the end. I couldn't be afraid about that, because I was getting somewhere, I was making him less careful and I never wanted more than this. I wanted him to let me in, I wanted to cure him somehow. So I was sometimes really soft and fluffy, never too much. He would notice from time to time and freak out, not calling me for weeks as to punish me and tell me 'you will never make it, never be more than that' but he would call back eventually and I would try again.

  
I loved him. I loved him more than I loved myself and I got badly wounded because of that.

  
  
On those weeks he was ignoring me I would lost myself in my work, dancing like a fury until my feet were bleeding, stop eating, get drunk and let anybody hit on me in some random pubs. And when he called back I would start breathing again.  
That's how badly I fell for him.  
  
After a year of that I had a burn out. End up in the hospital, I got my friends worried as fuck for me, had to stop dancing for a few days.  
I never told Yoongi, so he never knew. He didn't ask me why I didn't answered his text for a couple of weeks. Taehyung took my phone away so I would rest. They knew about him and didn't like it at all, but I was in too deep to be stopped at that point.  
They gave me pills at the hospital because they thought I was depressed.  
I was, I would cry myself to sleep most of the night I wasn't with him, and if I eventually slept it wasn't enough hours.  
My heath wasn't good but Yoongi never commented on my thigh getting thinner or by bones showing more than my abs, so it was fine by me.

  
  
I was making myself hill for him all the way. I mean, because he didn't gave me what I needed but also because he was sick and no one, not even himself, was taking care of him.  
So I made it my job too make him feel better. It mattered more than my health.  
He didn't like people to know how anxious he was about his music going nowhere out of his flat, or about how he could pay his bill at the end of each month. And how lonely he was, he stopped being friend with Namjoon and Seokjin a long time ago and hadn't let anyone near him in ages. I often wondered if he was still in touch with Hoseok, I knew loosing him was one of the reason he was like that.  
I never saw Hoseok again, I heard through rumors back at home that he moved for the states as soon as he turned 18.

 

  
  
I tried to fill the void in Yoongi's heart as much as I could, it wasn't easy.  
I find out the hard way that you can't help someone who doesn't want to get helped.

  
  
  
The second time I end up at the hospital was the night after I did the biggest mistake of my life, or the best thing I could do. My opinion on this depend on the day.  
  
  
Yoongi and I never fought. We had nothing serious to fought about since we weren't serious with anything. I reckon it was the one and only time that we almost expressed our feelings to each other by other ways than getting physicals.  
  
It was the first time we met in almost a month, because I had very important audition and I didn't had time at all. So I was overwhelmed when he asked me if I could come by, he had ordered my favorite pizza, which meant I would spend the night with him.  
When I got there I started feeling bad.  
He was working on his laptop and his flat smelled like pot and smoke, I opened a window, it wasn't unusual. I waited for him to finish on the coach, looking at his back, I did that a lot too.  
He stopped and came to greet me with a smirk and a sassy few words. We had sex right away, as to put it out of the way, it wasn't as usual though, I can't say what was different but I felt it and it hit me hard.  
I started crying as soon as we were done, my tears were dropping and I couldn't control them, couldn't talk or anything. Yoongi whispered my name a few times too calm me down but it didn't work. So he hold me tight and wait for me to stop. It made it worst.  
  
When I finally calmed down I got off him and got dress silently. “Are you-” He stopped himself before asking anything, I don't think he wanted to get involve in my personal drama. He didn't know he was the main part of it.  
“I can't do this anymore Yoongi.” I murmured, I didn't even look at him in the eyes.  
“Doing what?” He sounded angry as he knew what I meant but didn't like it.  
“You.” He laughed at that, it would have been the kind of sex jock we made but his laugh was dry, he got where I was going and would like to avoid it. Avoiding difficult talk was his favorite thing.  
“Why did you come then.” He asked not looking at me either.  
“Because I always do, you call me and I come.” I heard him sigh and he took his head in his hand.  
“So this is the last time I do it, the last time I call you and you won't have to fucking come here.”  
“Yeah I guess it is.” I couldn't get out just yet, I wanted to find the right words to make him understand, maybe I wanted him to make me stay. But he didn't and I had nothing to say. “I'm- I should go.”  
“You should.” My heart broke even more at that point, I don't even thing I had anything left in my chest for that, but the feeling was there.  
I left without saying more, I couldn't afford to wait for those words i'll never hear him say to me. I had to leave before I cracked again and cry on his shoulder or even beg for him to forget about it.  
As soon as I got outside I start running, I had no idea of where I was heading to be honest, I just needed to get as far away as Yoongi as possible.  
And I did, I end up somewhere I didn't even know, it was pitch dark and I didn't have any battery in my phone. I just lay down on a bench and fall asleep from exhaustion.

  
  
I woke up in an hospital bed.  
  
Jungkook was really mad at me and he don't get angry easily. Taehyung took my phone to charge it and didn't want to gave it back to me, he made me delete Yoongi's number later on.  
Apparently me almost freezing to death was the last shit they would take from me and they decide I needed to change life for good. I spend a couple of weeks at the hospital, in the mental section because they thought I was suicidal. I was, some days more than others.  
  
I got new medication, it makes me sleepy I don't like it so I don't always take it. They made me see a therapist, I go twice a week. Luckily it happens during the holiday and I didn't missed any school days.

  
I'm better now.  
I still think about him sometimes, wondering if he's better too, if he misses me or if he find someone else who cares and can help more than I did.  
I don't cry anymore, I don't have tears left for him, sometimes I smile thinking of his laugh and that's enough to keep me going.

**Author's Note:**

> I basically have the whole plot for this story; it should be short. Well 3 chapter. And i already wrote the second part.  
> I didn't stop my other long fanfic, which should be finish soon enough (The pink haired guy) I just had this one in my head so here it is.  
> Enjoy (y)


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